Confusion

I really shouldn't take the time to write this right now, but the reason I started this is to have somewhere to write everything...I guess my journal isn't good enough. lol. This past week has been so hard. I have always been the kind of person who pretends everything is fine or at least manageable even when it feels like my life is falling apart. I have tried to work on that lately and I know I am doing better, but I seem to be trying to work on too much. I know it is impossible to be perfect, but so many people seem to expect it or view me that way. There are so many things going on in my life to deal with and there is always everything in the past that still impacts me even if I think it shouldn't. I don't always know what I want and when I do, it isn't always something I can have, so it is easier to ignore it. Hope is supposed to be what keeps us going in hard times, but sometimes it feels like it only pulls me down because I know what I am hoping for is out of reach. I have noticed with the last week that I really tend to shut down and focus entirely on what I am feeling and how to fix what is wrong when I feel really unsure of myself. Except for helping friends...I really don't know sometimes if I am doing any good, but I can't say no if a friend needs me even if it is just to talk and I need sleep or anything. I love being there for my friends, but sometimes it feels like I don't have anyone I can really fall apart with when I need to. I have sooo much spinning inside my head right now that I can't possibly write it all out now.