Horoscopes...and Life

I've started out today by not getting anything done, but in the end I guess I have finally gotten around to doing some important stuff. My horoscope this morning was "With articulate Mercury in your stylish sign, you should find it much easier to be heard (and understood). And, if you choose honesty over evasion, you'll get even further mileage. I always read horoscopes because I get a kick out of the times they are dead on or as far from the truth as they could possibly get. As with this one, however, I've started to look at them and find things I can work on in my life. I've noticed that I do tend to be evasiv about things. Whether out of fear of rejection, not knowing how to say it, not being sure what I want, or something else entirely. I tend to decide things fairly quickly, but being oblivious tends to make it hard for me because I am never expecting things. I have really had a hard time this semester because after all of high school with no one interested in dating me, I have had far too many guys that want a relationship all of a sudden. This has been quite a struggle for me because I have no experience with dealing with this sort of thing and I am sooo focused on everything I am going through in my life. I really do not want to date right now...partly because I am tired of dealing with all the drama that seems to surround it and admittedly partly because I can't date the only person I would be interested in dating right now. {Yes...that IS a can't, so don't tell me to ask him. lol.} I have noticed that I seem to reconsider this decision every time I come across someone who wants a relationship with me, but in the end I do need to put myself first and a lot of the time they need a friend more than a girlfriend anyway. People seem so obsessed with the idea that they have to date someone, but not for the right reasons. Just to have a boyfriend/girlfriend...a relationship should be about caring about the other person and wanting to have them in your life. Also, you need to be comfortable with yourself before you can have a relationship with someone. Too many people seem to think a relationship will fix their problems or that their problems won't seem as bad if they have a girlfriend/boyfriend. I love people and I love being able to talk through problems and just hang out and have fun. Thankfully, I think I have finally reached a place where I feel comfortable just being myself and being honest about things. Sure, it may hurt someone's feelings on occasion, but it hurts a lot worse in the long run if you avoid it. In the end, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me. I am who I am and God knows that and loves me. If the people in my life can't, then maybe they shouldn't be in my life. Who are we to not like anyone? Everyone is worthy of our love and compassion.

Status

As all of my imaginary audience knows...I am maybe just a tiny wee bit addicted to Facebook. I update my status very frequently. I think usually around every hour. I usually write exactly what I am thinking, which amuses some of my friends immensely. Particularly because I am always thinking about several things at once. Today, however, I have been amazing and only changed my status once...yeah could not resist. o.O I can resist the temptation to update my status to advertise. As in this case...go date auction! Uh...maybe...well...um...yeah.... Anyway, I resisted the urge to update my status about my amazing feat of fitting almost nine pages of typed notes onto two pages for my required cheat sheet. Happily the test was amazingly easy in spite of the fact that I kinda never did the reading and did not even study...unless making my cheat sheet counts as studying. Philosophy Intro: God, faith, and reason is over. Kind of sad, but such is life. My Honors Core in Intellectual Traditions teacher brought us cookies today...yet another class I will never sit through again. I do have some Facebook friends from that class though, so I'm goood. Hmmm...this seems to be turning into a random account of the day. Let's see what else did I do? Oh I went to the Union for lunch with Jason...and all our lame friends were gone...sad. Haha, but we had a blast and yeah he kinda took my phone and uh stole a number...yeah and he stole my computer. I was on Facebook...with an open chat...uh yeah. Haha I would agree, but Jason...come on!!! Oh and I have come to the conclusion that for better or worse I will add Twitter...hmmm.... Ahhh, I have determined that I can walk better on rocks in my heels than on flat ground...fun stuff. Ooh and also I have rediscovered why I never wear a skirt to school. It is of course windy whenever I have my hair downish and wear a skirt. Anyway, people are showin' up for the auction and I have to go give David a message. lol. Peace out.

Random

I've had so many things running around in my head, but naturally when I go to write I cannot think of anything. So...I suppose I will go the route of randomly writing whatever pops into my head. I'm assuming no one will read this anyway, so no worries. The date auction is tomorrow...yikes! I am really trying not to think about that, but I can't help it. I am nervous and the funny thing is I am more worried about who will bid on me than not getting any bids. I am glad I can't really back out now. lol. I wanted to contribute and this is the best way since I know I am to chicken to bid myself. Life is so crazy and ironic. I am not exactly good at being social, but I intend to fix that this summer. Now, in addition to myself, I have two other people to drag into socializing. lol. One of those lovely 'me? why me? uh...are you sure about this?' moments. I will do my best though. Haha the really hilarious part I think I will leave off of here just in case someone is insane enough to read this. It is funny how the littlest things people say can make you think. Phill made a comment about talking with the people with me instead of texting at Utenited last week and I have thought a lot about that. I love everyone at Utenited, but I do not feel like I am really a part of the group yet. I have gotten close to several people individually, but not everyone and I hardly know where to begin with everyone else. I join in sometimes, but I don't always feel comfortable joining in the conversation. This is probably really silly, but I can't help it. I cannot believe the semester is almost over. I have been living for the end of the semester and all of its stress for so long and now it is actually within reach. Unfortunately, now I am at the point where I really have to look at the summer and wonder if I can accomplish what I want to or if I will go absolutely crazy stuck at home with my mom most of the summer. The problem with living for some point in the future to make it through hard times is the disappointment that inevitably comes with it. I try so hard to have no expectations because you can't be disappointed that way, but it is sooo impossible for me to do that.

Things that I am TIRED of hearing

1) "Guys are jerks."
I hate it when people say this! Not all guys are jerks. Some are, but so are some girls. Everyone does or says something stupid that can hurt someone many times throughout life. Also, a lot of the time people do not realize it because of something they do not and could not possibly know. This is a VERY unfair thing to say.

2) "Never mind"
If you start to say something, you obviously want to say it, so you might as well finish. If you do not want to say it...do NOT start it! Also, I am a very curious person, so this drives me crazy!

3) "You can have any guy you want"
For one thing, it baffles me how anyone can even think this could be true. I will assume that people who say it know me well enough to know i am not stupid enough to want someone I could never have (married, celebrity, etc.), but still...it totally isn't true.

How would you describe me?

I really appreciated the response to my question in my desperate search to describe myself for the bio...I hate describing myself...really hard to do. Anyway, this is a collection of responses.

“Intelligent, caring believing, kind, clumsy”

“An incredibly sweet and beautiful girl that is easy to talk to and makes you feel like a million bucks. God was having an amazing day when he made this girl.”

“Fun and random girl who loves to spend time in conversation, as well as a good foreign or romantic film. May or may not bite. :-P”

“Nice and sweet but weird and sheltered and content”

“I have no idea. But not in a bad way.”

“Whether it’s hanging out with friends at school or church, or just a good one-on-one conversation, Chandra is a people person. She loves talking and facebooking at the same time keeping herself busy with school and work. She loves the outdoors, sports, reading, and writing, and a good foreign or romantic movie. You’ll have lots of fun when you’re around her because she radiates good vibes and shines with energy.”

“Content, restless underneath at the back of your mind like a feeling that you should be doing more or interacting with people more but it’s more of a tickling that you push aside most of the time. You’re energetic and outgoing, but you’re still not to the point that you trust yourself to go out and really initiate conversations with people you don’t know on a regular basis, but find that most of the time getting thrown in with random people turns out alright. You work hard at your classes, but still don’t have a concrete direction that you want to go.”

“Inquisitive, short attention span :), intelligent, playful, kind”

“tall and thin”

“Wow. Um…hard to do.”

“Sweet gentle likes people um beautiful quiet but still outgoing smart strong”

"Reserved and brilliant"

I have to confess I may have kinda fixed the grammar a wee bit on a couple...sorry...

Judgment

Another piece from a class last semester that was exploring the use of footnotes.

Upon commencing an analysis of my process of judging, I had a hard time finding a process. The traditional negative connotation of the word was not working for me, so I tried to concentrate on the denotation of the word. I still had a difficult time because I do not have a process of judging things like people or classes. I automatically assume the best of people without really thinking about what I am doing. After focusing on the basic decisions of the day, such as getting up, going to class, and doing my homework, I had more success with my analysis. I came to the conclusion that I do pretty much everything for the purely selfish reason of wanting to do it.* I say selfish only because that is an instinctual reaction to want as a reason for actions.
In reality, I would say that I am not selfish, but I have a good outlook on life. I want to do things because I need to do them as opposed to doing things because I want to do them. People always have an easier time doing what they want to do, so by wanting to do everything, I have made my process of judgment easier. In addition, when I want to do something I am more cheerful doing it, which makes it easier to get along with people. I like people and want to like them and I have experience with being left out, so I always think well of people until they prove that I should not, which is rarer than the average pessimist or even optimist would expect.
The process of judging for me is fairly simple at first glance, but more complex after a thorough examination. I believe it has a lot to do with a person’s attitude, belief systems, and view of life. There are so many factors that play into making decisions that it is impossible to avoid complexity, but like many things, it appears simple when you look only at the surface.

*This may seem like an impossible statement because of how many things I have to do any given day. How is it possible to like all of them? I may not like doing everything that is required of me, but I almost always want to do everything. There are exceptions to this, but when does anything in life not have exceptions? Our method of communication is full of exceptions, so how can anything else not follow this pattern? It is simply human to have exceptions and not be absolutely sure about anything. However, if there are exceptions to everything, then there is no exception to this, which is paradoxical.

UMFA

Yet another piece from a class last semester.

I’m immensely small, lost amidst the massive polished grandeur around me. The problems of my miniscule part of the world seem distant and unreachable. It seems strange to have an hour ahead of me to simply feel, not stress or worry or solve problems. And even stranger still that in the calm and peaceful rooms I can forget the troubles of life. Every piece has a story and what is mine in comparison? Why should I worry so much about my mortal existence in the presence of timelessness?
Expression comes in so many ways. Everything is an expression of some sort, but understanding, deep emotional understanding and connection is something else. You can connect with something without understanding it or even liking it. Everything has its own magnificence and although much of it defies my idea of beauty, it is yet beautiful. A concept that first seemed impossible proves the relativity of impossible as I wander through not really thinking, but absorbing.
Simplicity seems to have the most attractive pull. When everything is so complicated, simplicity is nice especially because it is more complicated than it appears to be although not necessarily of its own accord. A frog bowl becomes complicated with memories. Catching dozens of frogs and some snakes and tiny fish at Bear Lake every summer. My aunt who likes them and the times we’ve spent together. Origami frogs that we made and raced in a junior high math class. Fairy tales, hopes, and dreams. Somehow, for all its wooden simplicity, this frog holds a key to life.
A conversation will be the hardest part, but not merely for my original worries of being too shy and not knowing anybody. Instead, it is a breaking of the silent spell of the place and its inhabitants; the breathtaking silence that entrances me as I slowly tour the rooms. A silence that I’m reluctant to break. I’ve lost myself in this and yet found myself at the same time. I've lost the world. Now, life is only here and now, not the problems of the future or anything stressful. I feel I’ve found the root of myself, a place I lost with the transition to college and maneuvering to find my niche.
There is a strange comfort to sit in a corner surrounded by art in a silence that is enhanced not broken by the murmur of distant voices and the noises of the building. I feel completely at home here, in a place I’ve never been before. More so even than in my own home where the chaos of everyday life and the never-ending nagging of my mother bar the entrance of true peace and tranquility.
Strangely, the piece that has most claimed my attachment is of a picture gallery, where I am. Not a place I would expect to have any interest in or a place where I would find myself on a regular basis, but now, in this moment, it seems the best place in the world.
When I recognize the ease with which my thought flow and begin to ponder it, they slip away a little, warning me off. As if, I must simply accept and not analyze or expect. Truth be told, I suppose I could use this lesson in my life. When I constantly analyze, fret, and worry, how can I be happy and delight in all the little things in life. So many little things grab my attention, but they are the wrong ones or not even the wrong ones, but they don’t need such attention and are often interpreted wrong. It is better to think of the little things like solving a math problem perfectly on the first try, hugging a friend, or buying someone a Christmas present.
I have to admit there is an odd sense of peace and companionship with the silent presence of another person from class in the room. A feeling of kindred spirits as we sit far apart, but linked in that we’re buried amongst our thoughts.

Room

Another piece from a class last semester.

Does a movie have to meet expectations? Does it have to finish with an end that explains everything? People like nice stories that come to a happy conclusion after some mild hardships or even horrific stories that cannot possibly be true. They like stories where everything that happens is understandable. But what about stories that are disturbing, mysterious, and yet close enough to reality?
Do people really like to be afraid? They enjoy the thrill of watching a horror movie, but all along, anyone who watches it is still deeply aware that it is not real and never could be real. With this awareness, would the fear we feel be real? We do not know what to do with real fear: the realization that we have no control and no understanding of what is going on around us. We like things to be predictable. We cannot handle problems without solutions. We cannot handle questions without answers, but sometimes we do not want to know the answers. What makes us who we are and how little would it take to destroy the perceptions to which we cling? What are we truly capable of doing for better … or for worse?

Love

I've been pondering love a lot lately. People seem to have so many ideas of what it is and so many varying capabilities of demonstrating it. I have been struggling with feeling really weird because I am so different from what I see around me. As I get to know someone, I love them. My first reaction to something absurd or a mistake made by those I care about is merely to love them more for it. No one is perfect. We are all broken and need love not criticism and judgement. I'm not saying we can't offer help and suggestions, but we need to do it out of love for the other person not out of the certainty that we are right and they are wrong. I would do pretty much anything for my friends. I still struggle with all of this with my family though. I suppose there are many reasons for this. My friends don't hurt me the way my family does. I am far too sensitive and I know I shouldn't let things my mom or anyone else say bother me, but I do. This generally puts me on defense and I only think of myself instead of thinking about my mom and why she is saying whatever it may be and what I can do to help her. It is probably out of fear as well. My life has had a lot of family drama and there are a couple of relatives we never see or have anything to do with: my biological father and my maternal grandmother. If I distance myself, I guess it feels like I can't be hurt as much in the long run. You can't lose what you don't have, but what is the point of living without it? Even with writing this here, I know I am not likely to follow through with it everywhere. I am trying to work harder on this with my mom and my sister. Little things like going down to eat breakfast with my mom instead of working on homework and rushing through breakfast later alone don't matter that much in the long run. In the end, it matters more that I have made a difference in the lives of others and been a good friend. My priorities have changed so much since high school. School was my main priority then, but God and people have slipped ahead and I am much happier with this.

Confusion

I really shouldn't take the time to write this right now, but the reason I started this is to have somewhere to write everything...I guess my journal isn't good enough. lol. This past week has been so hard. I have always been the kind of person who pretends everything is fine or at least manageable even when it feels like my life is falling apart. I have tried to work on that lately and I know I am doing better, but I seem to be trying to work on too much. I know it is impossible to be perfect, but so many people seem to expect it or view me that way. There are so many things going on in my life to deal with and there is always everything in the past that still impacts me even if I think it shouldn't. I don't always know what I want and when I do, it isn't always something I can have, so it is easier to ignore it. Hope is supposed to be what keeps us going in hard times, but sometimes it feels like it only pulls me down because I know what I am hoping for is out of reach. I have noticed with the last week that I really tend to shut down and focus entirely on what I am feeling and how to fix what is wrong when I feel really unsure of myself. Except for helping friends...I really don't know sometimes if I am doing any good, but I can't say no if a friend needs me even if it is just to talk and I need sleep or anything. I love being there for my friends, but sometimes it feels like I don't have anyone I can really fall apart with when I need to. I have sooo much spinning inside my head right now that I can't possibly write it all out now.