Christmas and Chaos

So I failed, as usual, at the keep up on the blog idea. Life is always so busy and I don't always have anything to say...or I don't want to actually discuss things because some of you silly folks actually read this and I don't know who you all are. I am doing better though, so I suppose it's all good. In keeping with my personality, this will probably be as random and eclectic as ever.

I ended up on Urban Dictionary again recently. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Chandra
I'd forgotten how annoying the definition on my name is. Who on earth came up with that? I mean...really? Oh well though. I suppose it is somewhat amusing...kind of....

I somehow survived the chaos that surrounds Christmas. We had my step-dad's dad over for Christmas Eve dinner, but the other family members who were supposed to come over afterwards stood us up, which was kind of lame. My grandpa in Colorado called. I really miss him. I'm hoping to make it out to see him during the summer, so hopefully I can recruit a friend or two to go with me. I already had two crosses and I never would have bought one this big, but I absolutely love the one he gave me for Christmas. It's beautiful. I went to the 11pm service at my church for the second year in a row, which made me very happy. I didn't get to bed until about 1:30am though, so getting up at 7:00am was NOT fun.

I got a meerkat beanie baby and he is adorable. Definitely one of those spot on gifts that you totally love and weren't expecting. Brunch with my step-dad's family was kind of disappointing because it just isn't the same as it used to be. I miss the simple food that we used to have and I don't really know them well enough to enjoy being over there...and...I was really tired. We went to my grandma's house next, but pretty much everyone was out of the state this year, so it was weirdly quiet and we apparently weren't worth making a Bûche de Noël for, so this year lacked my favorite holiday dessert. :( One of my aunt's got way too carried away with presents for my sister and I, which she always does. That's about it in a relatively concise description. Oh...and I got my favorite lotion for Christmas. =)

We spent today doing our traditional after Christmas shopping. I didn't realize it until it was all over, but my parents didn't get into a fight even once, which is absolutely amazing. I got a pillow that is not flat, got the amazing movie that I really wanted (November Christmas), got a new chain for my silver cross, and some other stuff. I kind of bought a couple of frogs too. The Hallmark store turned out to be dangerous. They are sooooooooooooooo cute though. :) Church was amazing as usual. I got to spend some time with my Angel and get to know her future mother-in-law a bit. She seems nice. It's still hard to grasp the fact that my drivers ed chinese jumprope buddy is getting married. I suppose I'll get used to the idea eventually. She chose well...James is a great guy. I just wish they were here more often, so I could get to know him better.

Lol and I still haven't written about what I felt like trying to type through when I started writing this blog post, but I don't really know how to do that...and I don't even want to outright say it because I'm still trying to get used to the idea and stop stubbornly ignoring it. I am so ridiculous sometimes. o.O I have my reasons though. God just has a lovely sense of humor and knows better. I guess we'll see where this goes lol. It's hard for me to accept, but that's probably mostly because it's a bit of a control issue and a little scary. I trust Him though...more than anyone. :)

I have work at 8:30 tomorrow morning and I'm tired, so I should probably get to bed now, but hopefully I'll get around to another post sooner rather than later since I know some of you silly readers actually find them interesting.

bonne nuit

Murder on the Menu

Review of USF from a summer class.

All hail the Thane of Cawdor! I felt that I should have been clapping along with the men on stage when Ross and Angus informed him of his new title. The use of the space around the stage and the movement of those off and on it drew me into this production of Shakespeare’s Macbeth very quickly. Momentum was maintained despite the difficult scene shifts of the play and the lack of those scenes which Joseph Hanreddy chose to cut, such as the scene involving Hecate. Overall, I would say the decisions regarding the addition or deletion of scenes and characters uphold the integrity of the play. The addition of a coronation scene with Macbeth was a good choice because this scene allowed the foreshadowing of disaster to come through his eager return to Lady Macbeth, which prevented the conclusion of the ceremony.
Grant Goodman played an intriguing Macbeth. I was quite taken aback when he proclaimed, “So foul and fair a day I have not seen.” I had not anticipated a blonde Macbeth and did not realize my expectation of hair to match his dark character until this expectation was not met. Once I had grown accustomed to his hair, I liked it because the light color relieved some of the evil associated with Macbeth, which freed him to be a misguided man who got carried away in things beyond his control. I appreciated Kymberly Mellen’s Lady Macbeth. Her portrayal of the scene in the first act after she has received the message sent from her husband worked very well for me. She played her role from the place of a woman that was gentle and passionate reaching for an ambition that she had never before dreamed could be hers and thus steeling herself for an action beyond her moral character. The young age of Banquo’s son surprised me, but this is a wise tactical move that provides more time for him to come to the throne, which relieves the implausibility of him achieving the crown when Malcolm is crowned at the end. Michael Brusasco showed that he deserved his role as Macduff through his intense emotion during the scene where Ross reveals the fate of his wife and babes. His performance of a line prior to this, “Such welcome and unwelcome things at once / ‘tis hard to reconcile,” was simply beautiful. I feel Joseph Hanreddy made a risky decision as a director when he depicted the witches as he did, but for me, this risk worked excellently. I loved the unique viewpoint and particularly the extreme facial expressions of the third witch, Chelsea Steverson.
The costume designer, Bill Black, used the simple color scheme wonderfully. The gray of the priest’s outfit was especially striking. Lady Macbeth’s white nightgown emphasized her role of innocence while making the important murder discovery scene stand out and demonstrated her deterioration over the play with its dirtier reoccurrence towards the end of the play. I particularly liked the double meaning of the Macbeths’ black clothing after the murder of the king. This costuming demonstrated both mourning and the darkness of the deed they had done and its blot upon their souls. The dark circles under Macbeth eyes made a brilliant indicator of his sleepless distress as events intensified near the end.
Donna Ruzika and Lindsay Jones did brilliant jobs as the designers of light and sound for this production. I loved the way the blue lighting played off the dirt on the floor and gave the stage and eerie look. The use of music as a transition between places was fascinating although it was a little too loud on occasion. Troy Hemmerling’s scene designs were a masterful contribution to the director’s vision and created a great atmosphere for the mood of this somber story. The trees seemed a little out of place at the beginning, but I loved the shadows on them as Macbeth talked with the murderers. Anthony Marotta’s blocking for some of the fights was a little weak and unconvincing, but fight blocking is difficult as fight scenes can be dangerous. In particular, the scene where the murderers go after Banquo and his son was neither believable nor smooth.
The many technical and artistic aspects of this piece combined to make a brilliant atmosphere and a strong performance. The pace matched the intensity of the action and there was never a dull or unprofessional moment. The actors knew their lines and were capable of dealing with outside distractions. Macbeth in particular pulled off his famous tomorrow speech with a mere pause when the car alarm went off in the distance. This merely gained the potential of adding to the play by the connection of his tomorrow with a car alarm in our present. Our today is but Macbeth’s tomorrow and soon our today will be a thing of the past as is his murderous reign. Not that this play needs much to connect it to our current audiences. Macbeth is a play about war, adapting to it, and its end. A play about how the leadership of a country can go terribly wrong with bloody results. This Utah Shakespearean Festival production must have resonated soundly with those who watched it.

A Shakespearean Tale of Two Cities

Review of USF from a summer class.

The Merchant of Venice presents some difficulties to the production process because it switches between Belmont and Venice quite rapidly. There is thus a location change with many of the scenes, which is very impractical when you have a lot of props onstage to differentiate between locations. They handled this well by rearranging the scenes. Some of the timing was lost, but it flowed well and did not impact the plot in any major way. This play can also be very challenging because of its extremely controversial aspects. A Jew playing the “bad guy” is dangerous in our postholocaust world since people are very sensitive to anything that could be anti-Semitic. This combined with the lines that Shylock has been given make his role a crucial and difficult one to play.
After seeing Tony Amendola as the porter in Macbeth, I was very curious to see how he would do in his role as Shylock who is a very somber and intense character in comparison with the comedic porter. I was very satisfied with his portrayal of Shylock. He used some good approaches from previous actors in the role, but added some flair of his own. He made a fascinating singing exit at the end of the play and I liked that he slapped himself in his speech about the wrongs that Antonio had done him. I felt that Gary Neal Johnson did a good job of making Antonio seem human in the play. His love for Bassanio showed clearly and its contrast with his dislike of the Jew did not make him seem bad, only flawed like the rest of us. The scene where Shylock entrusts his house to his daughter, Jessica, was brilliantly played by Monica Lopez. Her antsy behavior as her father threatened not to go was a good representation of the distress that would have caused any young lady with plans to run away from home. I appreciated Aaron Galligan-Stierle’s acting in his role as Shylock’s servant, Lancelot Gobbo, because he played it with more intelligence than I had seen in the book, which made the character much better in my opinion. His vocal changes as he went through his lines were very entertaining. I also liked that they cut his father out and had him propose his desire to serve Bassanio by himself. I thought Grant Goodman played too stern a Bassanio in the beginning of the play, but I warmed up to him more by the end. Portia was well played by Emily Trask. She put plenty of emotion into her lines and actions, but maintained the good sense and intelligence that were necessary to the part. Her sheer white dress in the first scene was an excellent costuming choice.
In spite of the fact that this play covered a long period of time, David Mickelsen did not choose to have a lot of costume changes for the cast. I felt this worked well for this piece because it emphasized the costume changes that did occur and all of these changes were important to the plot since the cross-dressing is such a major theme in this play. Donna Ruzika’s lighting design for this show was simple, but well planned. The brighter light in the Belmont scenes depicted the mood of both places very well. Gerald Rheault’s choice of music for the scene with Portia’s suitor was absolutely brilliant. It added a good level of comedy to his failure and lightened up the play without detracting from the more somber events. My favorite part of Troy Hemmerling’s set design for this production was the red marble pillars. They added a nice touch of color and the marbling with that color looked kind of like meat, which was an interesting touch due to the importance of a pound of flesh in the scene. The meat during the scene where Antonio asks Shylock for money contributed to this imagery.
The staging of this production focused upon imagery a great deal. The director, Sharon Ott designed the blocking to create a good picture of who the characters were and how they related to one another. The scene at the beginning where Antonio had his head kissed and rubbed provided an excellent chance to observe the personality of all of those involved. The three young men trying to sit on the railing at the front of the stage and then falling backwards to lie on their backs with their legs hanging off was an interestingly picturesque moment as well. Slower moments like this one mixed in with the faster and more intense scenes to create an interesting and dynamic pace for the show. Overall, this was a fascinating depiction of Shakespeare’s famous play.

Much Ado or Too Much Ado

Review of USF from a summer class.

Much Ado About Nothing has brilliant dialogue, particularly between Beatrice and Benedick, and very much deserves its label as a comedy, but this presents the danger of pushing the comedy too far, which this production did. They cranked the humor between Beatrice and Benedick up to a ridiculous extent. In moderation, it would have been funny. The ridiculous attempts at hiding made by Beatrice and Benedick were great until they were repeated and exaggerated continually. By the time Benedick started doing push-ups, they had lost me. When you create this much humor through the actions of the characters, you risk distracting the audience from the witty dialogue for which this play is renowned.
David Ivers played a very strong Benedick. Most of his pacing was amazing and he said his lines with a nice level of emotion. Kymberly Mellen was not as strong in her role as Beatrice as she was in her role as Lady Macbeth. She recovered brilliantly from her trip down the stage, but not as well from her stumble over the line about leading the apes into Hell. I liked, however, the manner in which she played the opening scene. I loved the way Robert Ramirez performed his role as Leonato. He caught the humor of the role and pulled off the strong confidence of the character quite well. I thought Don Burroughs made a fabulous Dogberry with his quirky mannerisms and facial expressions, but I felt he was far too emotional with his tears over being called an ass. I thoroughly enjoyed Ryan Imhoff’s portrayal of Don John. While the leather and greasy hair were a bit much, his demeanor and line delivery fit the character’s personality.
Janet L. Swenson did a lovely job with the wedding dresses for the play and the other costumes were quite good considering they were pulled and not made specifically for this production. The one exception I would add to this is the costumes for the watch. They were ridiculously mismatched to the rest of the play and while a little contrast can be good, I felt that this went too far. Aside from those costumes, this play seemed to demonstrate the most uniformity of time period within the costuming. Donna Ruzika’s job as lighting designer was fairly simple for this piece as it lacked the intensity of Macbeth. She did an excellent job of using the light to focus our attention where it was desired in this piece. Troy Hemmerling’s design of the set was unique and all of the props were useful onstage even if they had the potential to be frivolous. I liked the primarily simple sound design that Lindsay Jones chose. Strong music would have made the play overwhelming. The light quality of Balthasar’s song was a perfect addition of sound to those scenes.
The adaptations of the script for this production were interesting. The dance that they added at the beginning was a fun and exuberant way to begin and Kirsten Sham’s choreography for it was fantastic, but I did not like the little swordfight between Benedick and Claudio when they first arrived at Leonato’s house The vision of this piece was fascinating in several ways. I had not pictured Hero as the giggling and crushing young girl that she appeared to be in this production, but it worked and I liked that they had her breathless just holding Claudio’s hand. I did not like how flirtatious Beatrice was in her lines with Don Pedro that commence with “I would rather have one of your father’s getting.” She is a bold woman, but I do not see her as that outspoken or inclined to lead a man on if she was not interested and it resulted in a very awkward moment onstage. The choice to not have Margaret appear onstage after the fiasco of the first wedding scene was intriguing. It appeared to play up the idea that Margaret was unsure of what to do and thus hung back as much as possible. The decision to make Seacole blind was neither funny nor appropriate. It made the scenes with the watch absurd since Seacole was the one who could read and write. The humor of the script was strong enough without adding to it and poking fun at a disability is dangerous territory even if you can act it out well in the piece. The technical aspects of the production were very smooth. The transitions between scenes that involved set changes were smooth and Dogberry’s quick change into the nightgown was amazing. This production had a strong vision and followed it well. They made many decisions that worked and a few that did not, but it was well worth seeing.

A Morning of Greek Theatre

This is my Historical Narrative from my Theatre History class this semester. I figured I'd continue what I started way back when and post some of my written work.

The University of Utah’s 2010-2011 theatrical season commenced with a musical production of Alcestis, which was written by Euripides in 438 BC. Hugh Hanson directed this production using William Arrowsmith’s fairly modern translation of the original Greek text. Kyle Becker created a unique and fascinating set design, which neatly included a little section for the pianist who played the music composed by Cathy Neff, the musical director. Although the mold of traditional Greek theatre was broken with the transformation of this ancient Greek piece into a musical, Brenda Van der Wiel chose a costume design that was not so far from the original costuming. For the first time in several years of the annual Greek show, masks were used. These half masks and the long robes that accompanied them created a magnificent atmosphere of a time long past.
This morning show at Red Butte Garden was preceded by a discussion with James Svendsen, the producer and dramaturg for the production. The surprisingly large quantity of brave souls who wanted this extra insight into the world of the play they were about to see dragged themselves out of bed early enough to make the 8:30 start time. By the scheduled start time of nine, the lawn in front of the stage was filled with blankets, chairs, and people who were chatting animatedly while they awaited the start of the show. As the first characters appeared on the stage, a hush gradually fell over the audience. The repetitive singing of Apollo, played by Eric McGraw, held people entranced until Kory Kyker ambled onto the stage as death with his amusing mask and gained attention and appreciative laughter. The beginning of the play held the audience as they dove into the journey of discovering what was going on in the story enfolding before them, but as the play progressed, the attention of the audience was lost and never fully regained.
The hot sun beamed down on the audience throughout the performance, which contrary to the normal theatrical lighting, lit the audience rather than the stage. This made truly appreciating the costuming, set design, and Rebecca Crowley’s brilliant choreography for the production an onerous task since it was difficult to see all of these elements. People in the crowd of watchers looked away from the stage to take off jackets or roll up pants. Several of the more inventive audience members put their programs on their heads or shoulders to block the sun. A few people wandered around for a while and many of them fidgeted and changed position frequently. Several of them took the outdoor atmosphere to be one that was much looser than that of an indoor production and texted or otherwise played around with their phones throughout the play.
With the tragic scenes of sorrow towards the end of the piece, several eyes glittered with tears to reveal who had been drawn into the play in spite of the distractions of the world around the viewers. At the end of the curtain call, those who had filled the grass before the stage gathered their belongings and rushed out sooner than those who knew the actors could wander up to the side of the stage to congratulate their friends and comment on various aspects of the play. The mingling that followed at this point had a more jovial air as the actors basked in the completion of another performance and the theatre folk, family, and friends chatted in the bright sunshine and beautiful atmosphere of Red Butte before leaving to commence the next activities in their busy lives.

still shy?

I had intended to ramble on for a bit after church on Sunday night, but I ended up hanging out with friends at Desert Edge, so that didn't happen. This might end up being quite random since I waited so long and probably forgot a great deal of what I was going to say, but here goes.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Not that this is anything new and unusual. I have realized that while I may be nowhere near as shy as I used to be, I'm still pretty shy. I have a LOT to work on in that regard and many others. With the stress and craziness of the end of the semester, start of the holiday season, and other stuff going on in life, I have realized that I am as bad as I always have been about basically acting like everything is fine and not leaning on anyone. I will admit that I'm struggling or stressed now, but I still push through it with God and myself and not let anyone know exactly how much I'm going through. I have a lot of friends, but I still have a hard time feeling like I can talk to them about life on a deeper level. I feel like I'm imposing and I just don't feel like there is anyone that I can really lean on.

Although, a great deal of that is probably simply because I am afraid to do so. I know God will always be here for me, but people will always hurt you or let you down in some way, which makes them harder to...trust I guess...and you don't know what people truly think or feel about you. (Which can drive me crazy because I'm so curious...and a little insecure.) The past affects the present in so many ways, but it is hard to talk about the past because there is so much of it and it is difficult to handle people's reactions to it. What makes it worse in some ways is how easily attached to people I am even though I doubt I show it very well since I'm rather reserved.

When I was filing some stuff a while ago, I found a handout about my birthday from the philosophy class I took my senior year in high school. I love things like this and astrology because they make you think about yourself. One part in particular that I noticed said, "This more obstinate and rebellious side of your personality is in contrast to an unexpectedly sensitive and compassionate element of your being. As you like to be in control, you may rarely show this side of yourself to others." This kind of relates to what I said above and I'm afraid it is far too true. Once I'm sure I can trust people to take me as I am and not take things I say or do the wrong way, I'll completely be myself, but with ones I am not particularly sure of yet, I still have walls up in a sense. There are a lot of people in my life that I would like to get to know better, but I don't really know how...and I don't know how I would have the time to do so either.

Anyway, I think I've rambled enough...and said too much, which will be read by I don't want to know how many people. o.O

Long Time No Write

So, I haven't written anything on here in about a billion years, which means it is probably about time to fix that and I am waiting for some pictures to be ready to pick up, so I have a little bit of time.

I'm in the midst of the chaos that surrounds the end of the semester at school, but I am actually thoroughly enjoying it at this point. Although that could just be because I'm too tired to be anything else since I have not been getting enough sleep lately. I was up until three in the morning last working on homework and stuff last night and up until two the night before. The good news that follows that is that I only have a final tomorrow to study for, a ten page research paper to finish, a discussion final next week, and a group final project in between me and a break. If you define break loosely...I have homework over the break because I will be a TA/Discussion Leader for a class next semester. I'm looking forward to it, but I'll be taking 15 credit hours, which includes assistant stage managing a show, so life is probably going to get a little crazy. Not that it ever isn't crazy.

I've also chosen the ridiculous and random timing of the end of the semester to start playing catch up with a lot of friends and getting to know newer friends better, but that is also probably part of what is keeping me going right now, so I suppose it's okay. I have over 100% in one of my classes, one was over a while ago, I'm doing quite well in one class, and at least decently in my last class even though the teacher is kind of frustrating me because he isn't the best teacher. I absolutely love him as a person though and he is good if you are just working with him through emails or in person after class. That is a good thing since I'll have him twice next semester.

My Christmas stuff is almost done, but I still have a lot of cards to write and mail. I was doing around 55 total, so it is a lot of writing since I actually write something in each one. All of the Christmas presents are wrapped though, so I'm ahead on that. I am actually going to the Utenited Christmas Formal this year. I said I wouldn't bring homework, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself while I'm there lol. I am looking forward to the extra chance to see everybody and chat. Oh...and the music...70's and 80's music. Amazing.

Anyway, to those of you that are insane enough to actually read these insane meanderings, adieu. I'll try to actually keep up on this now. No promises though.

Thoughts

I should be doing homework, but I have a lot on my mind, so I'm doing this instead.... I know it's not surprising considering my life and the time of the semester, but it is definitely frustrating. I have realized that I really don't like how much I care about everything...mostly because it's scary. I'm emotionally invested in people and aspects of my life to an extent that I am pretty sure no one would guess. I have changed a LOT since high school, so I'm more open about it, but so many people throw around I love you and random terms of endearment that it can seem to mean less than it does...and yet it can somehow still seem to mean more than you intend sometimes. Isn't life funny? I have noticed a lot lately just how much I have changed. I guess I would say I have grown into myself finally. I'm not afraid to ask questions when I don't know the answers. I will start randomly singing in various places whether there are people around or not. I will dance around in parking lots. I will actually tell my friends when I like someone...although...I think they are likely to notice before I do sometimes. I'm still terrified and insecure, but I guess I'm not letting that stop me anymore. I am perfectly comfortable with how ridiculous I am and I certainly do not mind the laughs this provokes from those around me. I love being able to brighten up someone's day by making them laugh, which is probably good since it will happen anyway lol. I think I am still always scared to let people in though. I am so easily attached to people that it is always scary to think they might not feel the same about me. I am far too sensitive and silly little things can upset me, but at the same time it is nice because the smallest things make me very happy. A lot of the time it is the simple things that really show you that people care.

Thanks in part to all of those dating questions from the free question text, I have been thinking a lot about my reasons/excuses for not dating. I always throw one or more of these out when someone asks me why I'm not dating. (1. I haven't been interested in anyone who has been interested in me. 2. I don't have time. 3. I'm scared of relationships. 4. I have a lot of issues in my life and I wouldn't wish dealing with them on anyone.) To be honest, it is mostly the third. I haven't had the best luck with dating in the past and I am scared to be that close to someone. The only one that I share everything with is God. I'd be afraid to open up enough to share it with a person and I'd feel like I was bugging them. I've never really had anyone that I could tell everything to before. I have not had the best examples in my life either. Most of the people I know do not seem to know how to have the kind of relationships I value. Too many people are concerned about what they get out of a relationship or just having one and not the person they are in the relationship with, which is what it should be about at least in my opinion.

I have developed an interesting mix of trusting and not trusting lately. I'm inclined to trust people completely until they let me down, but then again, I don't seem to trust people completely in some ways. I don't think I will ever trust my parents completely again after what happened in December. I love them and they will always be an unavoidable part of my life, but there is definitely a barrier there that can't be broken and is built up more by how often they demonstrate how little they really know me.

I'm starting to realize I am far more emotional than I have ever let on to those around me. It is pretty obvious in many ways...the looks on my face as I'm reading a text for example, but I'm still pretty good at hiding it when I want to do so. I don't really like that I'm so emotional, but mostly because it is out of my control and doesn't feel as safe. Sometimes there is just nothing you can do except go along with it and hope it ends well. It's in God's hands and those are definitely the ones I would want to have the reins.

Well, this is a random collection of thoughts in an disorganized mess that I don't want to even think about someone reading, but whatever...here it is.

Late Night Post

So considering how chatty I am late at night, I probably shouldn't be updating this right now, but I'll keep it short and sweet and hardly anyone will read it anyway, which means I'll be fine ;)

Hmmmmm well, the experience that stands out most from the past few days is my experience with a mass text. I was amazingly brilliant and thought it would be fun to forward a free question text. They could ask me anything and I had to tell the truth. I unfortunately forgot the fact that I'm a weirdo and do not think like everyone else, so it turned into quite the experience. I'll share....

Have you ever intentionally led a guy on?

No, I have not.

Have you ever been interested in me?

Interested in being friends with you yes, but dating, which I’m guessing you mean, no.

Who was that person with whom you announced to be ‘in a relationship’?

What? You mean on April Fool’s Day? No one…lol

What do you expect out of life and the people in it?

Um…I…don’t really expect much out of life I guess. I expect people to be kind, compassionate and understanding.

Should I propose to *girl’s name*?

Haha anytime soon, no. :P

Have you ever wanted to go out with me?

Haha what is it with guys and asking that question? Yes.

Would you like to do something with me?

Lol…define something…and what you mean by that (intentions)

Besides me who would you like to date?

To be honest…I don’t really want to date right now. I’m kinda scared of relationships among other things, but I think I kinda like a guy....

Who are some people that you’d be interested in dating?

Um…honestly, I really don’t want to date right now. I don’t have a lot of time for it… although that is debatable. I’m scared of relationships and I have a lot of issues and I wouldn’t wish dealing with them on anyone.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

I don’t know

Annnnnnnnnnnnd...it's late, so I'll share more stories later.

Expression

Well, I have not updated this in ages...again. Based upon my assumption that hardly anyone reads it, which makes it merely another means of expression, I'm guessing my lack of reliability is fine. Life is busy and it feels like it will never be anything but busy, but I suppose I am okay with that. I do not do well when I'm not busy. I think I'm finally starting to get all of the balls in the air and keeping them there...for now at least. There is a lot involved with moving out that I never needed to do before...mainly shopping and cooking...making sure I eat. It is nice to have more freedom about how I do that though. Sometimes I really wonder how people do it...and how I do it lol.
It still seems kind of weird to have finally taken that step and moved out...even three months later. I don't miss my family at all, which kind of makes me feel bad, but considering the circumstances, I cannot say that I am surprised I do not miss them. I do want to work things out to see my little sister more though and I do miss the idea of having a mom that I can talk to about things. I do not really feel like there is anyone I can talk to when I am struggling with life, just God. I know I have friends and family who say they are here for me, but a lot of the time it is more talk than action and I know people are busy with their own lives, so I don't feel like bothering them with mine. Also, I am still a very cautious person. I do not feel comfortable telling anyone just anything. Although I'm sure a lot of people don't realize it, it is a big sign of trust and a bit of a leap for me to share how I am feeling and what I am thinking. I am so used to not sharing that because I never have felt safe doing so. Hence all of the cryptic status updates. ;) I have gotten better about dealing with situations where I am not certain about where I am or what is going on...thanks in part to work. (Like when I had to handle my boss's meeting for him because he was going to be late.) I feel a little more confident and capable of dealing with the scary things in life. I think one of the biggest things I am dealing with right now is that I do not know what I want. It is kind of hard to direct yourself when you do not know what you want and being the silly ocd thing that I am, I do not like not having a direction. Which is not to say I am not happy with this, I am totally okay with letting God have the wheel and just going along with things. I just feel like I should know what I want.
Anyway, moving on from personal stuff that I cannot believe I am actually going to put up on an easily accessible blog...life. I have a place to stay until May-ish...and then I don't know what I'm going to do, so that's another thing to juggle. I have survived an onslaught of midterms, but big school assignments are not over anytime soon...in some ways, I feel like it is just beginning. Work is...busy, crazy, and never boring. I love it though and it is nice to feel so appreciated. I do not always feel comfortable with the compliments, but I am getting used to it. (Hence the "always" instead of "ever.") Family...is just a mess. I told my mom I am not going with them on the trip to England...and she did not take that well. My cousin is thrilled that I am going to be here for her graduation though. That is far more important to me than seeing England...particularly seeing England for three weeks while being stuck with my parents. The only obnoxious thing now is that I have to get tax information from my mom for my FAFSA...that will not be fun.
I need to go shopping, so...I will write more later...or...eventually.

January 30, 2010

I'm using the date for the title...unoriginal I know...buuuuut...I really didn't know what to call it. It's been a few weeks, but I did manage to update within the same month, so I'm getting better. Just to make it easier on me, I'll go with a crazy combo of describing things that is backwards and not at the same time. Hmmm...let's see....

Yesterday, I was at work till 6:30pm. Our office closes at 5:00pm...but Sinoor and I were finishing a few things and then I stayed to let a couple of the girls into the boss's office to fax something. We finally finished the grant work! :) Nothing particularly exciting happened though...just copying, stapling, filing, spreadsheets, talking to Sinoor, talking to our intern, running paperwork over to the county building, and various other things. My mom came in and was completely obnoxious, but other than that, work was good. :) After work, I was doing a couple of errands...so I took the bus to 33rd South and then barely missed a bus (first one was late), so I walked up to Brickyard and after I finished, I walked up to Highland Drive only to realize the bus timing sucked and I could walk home faster than waiting for the bus (if it had been on time, which it wasn't...it passed me :/). I walked home from there...took about half an hour...with three bags and a gallon of milk, it wasn't so much fun, but not too bad.

Thursday was just about the best day ever! I was at work from 8:45am-1:00pm...more grant work and the usual crazy busy day. Then I left for school...the bus was early, so I got to watch it go by as I left the building. So I just started walking to 21st South and pulled out my bus schedule for that...to find that it actually goes to the U. So I took that...had a very nice walk from the bus stop to class and wasn't late! I'm actually going to take that route from now on. :) Someone had stolen my seat in class, but it didn't end up mattering since we rearranged the desks. During class, I got a text from Liz saying she could take me to the airport to meet Matt! So I went home and got a few things done and then she picked me up. We went to Panda Express for dinner and then the airport. There were five or six missionaries getting home that night and we didn't find Matt's family until after he'd come, but it was great. Liz was excited because she saw Chace Crawford in the airport...I didn't know who he was, but, yeah, that was pretty cool. After that, we stopped by Liz's mom's house and then went to Article Circle and got shakes. Some weirdo sat in the booth behind us and stayed long after he had finished to stare at us and listen to our conversation, but at least it gave us something to laugh about on the way to Matt's house. We got to his house at about 10:15pm and didn't leave until almost midnight because I didn't get home until about ten after midnight. We were all sitting around talking for a while lol. It was AMAZING. He's picked up some interesting phrasing lol. My favorite thing he said was awry though...LOVED the prononciation. I've noticed I don't really realize how much I miss someone who is gone until they get back. I was absolutely THRILLED to get to see Matt again...and hopefully I'll be able to make it to his homecoming tomorrow...I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

The rest of the week wasn't really exciting...and that's taking up a lot of room...so...I guess an overview of school in general. I am really loving my stage management class...and Chase was sooo right. Stage management really does fit my personality...ocd...organized...detail-oriented.... I'm using The Taming of the Shrew...we had a choice between that or Romeo and Juliet. I chose that one because I knew I would be sick of Romeo and Juliet by the end of class. I'm really enjoying the homework because it's literal and logical and involves reading lol. My theatre and theory class is kind of up and down. Sometimes it drives me crazy because the students seem to have forgotten everything they learned in the prerequisite class, but other days it's not bad. It definitely won't be my favorite class, but I love Sydney (teacher). My absurd theatre class is good...naturally...it's one of Tim's classes lol. Dart is in that class, so I have a friend in it! My human universals class...well...I'm behind in that one since it's online and things have been a bit chaotic. I don't like the impersonality of an online class, so I think I'll try to avoid them in the future, but this one was necessary.

Liz and I are starting to put together our plans for our spring break trip to Cali. :D Sooo excited that this actually is going to happen. I'll get to see Paul...go to his church...go swimming...all sorts of exciting things! We're planning on going to Disneyland, which will be awesome since I've never been. Haha church still wins as most exciting though.

Well, I am running out of things to say...and I have homework to do, so I'm out for now.

Ending 2009

through excerpts from my journal

"It's kinda funny that I don't even put everything I think in here. I know I couldn't possibly do that because of room, but I guess it is just because there are some thoughts, worries, and concerns that I don't want to admit or maybe follow through enough to put them down. Does that even make any sense? Hmmm...I kind of want to, but then again I don't because I don't understand it and feel like it's weird, so I don't want proof of it. Haha put that way, it seems like a control issue and me being afraid to admit I'm not perfect. I know I do struggle with bothe of these things. I need to work on that. I am not perfect. I cannot be and never will be perfect, but I do not have to be perfect. It is perfectly ok to make mistakes and not understand...everybody does"

"This is one of those times when I really want to know everything, but I can't. Only God knows everything and that isn't hard for me to accept, but it is hard for me to deal with. I like to know all sides before I make a decision. Maybe I am too controlled...should I be more spontaneous and instinctual? Maybe that's what's bugging me...this seems to be so uncertain. There was a quote in something I read a while ago: 'How do you know how you'd feel? Maybe you'd feel wonderful. Why do you have to control every single thought in your head? Why don't you let loose once in your life? Do something you feel like doing and not what you're supposed to do.' Maybe I need to take that to heart. I do keep things under control so much, which is a good thing, but not always. I am an adult and I have to be responsible...especially now, but I guess I can relax a little. I am never really relaxed."

"Especially considering what we talked about in script analysis...other people knowing you better than you know yourself. Haha my family, sadly, being an exception, which is partly my fault. I haven't dared to open up much with them. Strangers are easier...you have no investment in how they feel about you...and neither do they. They don't know you and your past. They haven't misunderstand or let you down before. I guess in a way, I'm holding past mistakes against my family. I've been working on letting them in, but it is a slow process. I am very trusting of people I don't know, but I really struggle with trusting people who have let me down before."

"Am I too self-sufficient? People were meant to need other people, but I think I avoid that. I don't want to need other people. God is a lot more reliable I guess...I'm okay with depending on Him. I think a lot of this has to do with my dad...David. I've though I'm over it and everyone thinks I should be, but I'm beginning to think I can't ever be completely 'over it' because it isn't possible to be. I've forgiven him, but it happened and I can't change the way it impacted things. I think people tend to mean forgetting or ignoring when they talk about getting over it, but I can't do either of those thngs and it wouldn't be right to do so. Things happen for a reason. Our lives are shaped by what happens to us...I am who I am because of that. Yeah, I have a lot to work on because of it, but I've developed in good ways because of it as well. I probably wouldn't care about how others lives are going so much without my life as it has been. I do need to be better about showing peopld how I feel about them and not being afraid of seeming silly or giving the wrong impression."

"My mom needs to start keeping a journal...she is a lot like me in the respect that she needs a lot of time to go over things, but she does it through talking, which drives everyone crazy, and I do it through thinking, which can also drive people crazy because they don't know where I've been or where I really am."

"Anyway, I don't know if that is just part of me being scared of relationships...yeah, I admit it...I am. Still afraid of being hurt...rejection...but everybody is to an extent. I'm not letting it really hold me back anymore. There are a lot of things that are worth the risk. You can't spend your life hiding for fear you'll get hurt because you will still get hurt and you will miss a lot of amazing experiences as well. I feel good right now...I'm really close to God and while I don't know where I'm going, He does. I love Him and trust Him completely. It's funny...Angel said a few days ago that I've grown a lot closer to God lately...I hadn't really though about it or noticed, but I think she is right. I have turned to Him a lot lately with everything that has beein going on in my life. I have gone to other people, but he is definitely number one in my life."