Ending 2009

through excerpts from my journal

"It's kinda funny that I don't even put everything I think in here. I know I couldn't possibly do that because of room, but I guess it is just because there are some thoughts, worries, and concerns that I don't want to admit or maybe follow through enough to put them down. Does that even make any sense? Hmmm...I kind of want to, but then again I don't because I don't understand it and feel like it's weird, so I don't want proof of it. Haha put that way, it seems like a control issue and me being afraid to admit I'm not perfect. I know I do struggle with bothe of these things. I need to work on that. I am not perfect. I cannot be and never will be perfect, but I do not have to be perfect. It is perfectly ok to make mistakes and not understand...everybody does"

"This is one of those times when I really want to know everything, but I can't. Only God knows everything and that isn't hard for me to accept, but it is hard for me to deal with. I like to know all sides before I make a decision. Maybe I am too controlled...should I be more spontaneous and instinctual? Maybe that's what's bugging me...this seems to be so uncertain. There was a quote in something I read a while ago: 'How do you know how you'd feel? Maybe you'd feel wonderful. Why do you have to control every single thought in your head? Why don't you let loose once in your life? Do something you feel like doing and not what you're supposed to do.' Maybe I need to take that to heart. I do keep things under control so much, which is a good thing, but not always. I am an adult and I have to be responsible...especially now, but I guess I can relax a little. I am never really relaxed."

"Especially considering what we talked about in script analysis...other people knowing you better than you know yourself. Haha my family, sadly, being an exception, which is partly my fault. I haven't dared to open up much with them. Strangers are easier...you have no investment in how they feel about you...and neither do they. They don't know you and your past. They haven't misunderstand or let you down before. I guess in a way, I'm holding past mistakes against my family. I've been working on letting them in, but it is a slow process. I am very trusting of people I don't know, but I really struggle with trusting people who have let me down before."

"Am I too self-sufficient? People were meant to need other people, but I think I avoid that. I don't want to need other people. God is a lot more reliable I guess...I'm okay with depending on Him. I think a lot of this has to do with my dad...David. I've though I'm over it and everyone thinks I should be, but I'm beginning to think I can't ever be completely 'over it' because it isn't possible to be. I've forgiven him, but it happened and I can't change the way it impacted things. I think people tend to mean forgetting or ignoring when they talk about getting over it, but I can't do either of those thngs and it wouldn't be right to do so. Things happen for a reason. Our lives are shaped by what happens to us...I am who I am because of that. Yeah, I have a lot to work on because of it, but I've developed in good ways because of it as well. I probably wouldn't care about how others lives are going so much without my life as it has been. I do need to be better about showing peopld how I feel about them and not being afraid of seeming silly or giving the wrong impression."

"My mom needs to start keeping a journal...she is a lot like me in the respect that she needs a lot of time to go over things, but she does it through talking, which drives everyone crazy, and I do it through thinking, which can also drive people crazy because they don't know where I've been or where I really am."

"Anyway, I don't know if that is just part of me being scared of relationships...yeah, I admit it...I am. Still afraid of being hurt...rejection...but everybody is to an extent. I'm not letting it really hold me back anymore. There are a lot of things that are worth the risk. You can't spend your life hiding for fear you'll get hurt because you will still get hurt and you will miss a lot of amazing experiences as well. I feel good right now...I'm really close to God and while I don't know where I'm going, He does. I love Him and trust Him completely. It's funny...Angel said a few days ago that I've grown a lot closer to God lately...I hadn't really though about it or noticed, but I think she is right. I have turned to Him a lot lately with everything that has beein going on in my life. I have gone to other people, but he is definitely number one in my life."