Thoughts

I should be doing homework, but I have a lot on my mind, so I'm doing this instead.... I know it's not surprising considering my life and the time of the semester, but it is definitely frustrating. I have realized that I really don't like how much I care about everything...mostly because it's scary. I'm emotionally invested in people and aspects of my life to an extent that I am pretty sure no one would guess. I have changed a LOT since high school, so I'm more open about it, but so many people throw around I love you and random terms of endearment that it can seem to mean less than it does...and yet it can somehow still seem to mean more than you intend sometimes. Isn't life funny? I have noticed a lot lately just how much I have changed. I guess I would say I have grown into myself finally. I'm not afraid to ask questions when I don't know the answers. I will start randomly singing in various places whether there are people around or not. I will dance around in parking lots. I will actually tell my friends when I like someone...although...I think they are likely to notice before I do sometimes. I'm still terrified and insecure, but I guess I'm not letting that stop me anymore. I am perfectly comfortable with how ridiculous I am and I certainly do not mind the laughs this provokes from those around me. I love being able to brighten up someone's day by making them laugh, which is probably good since it will happen anyway lol. I think I am still always scared to let people in though. I am so easily attached to people that it is always scary to think they might not feel the same about me. I am far too sensitive and silly little things can upset me, but at the same time it is nice because the smallest things make me very happy. A lot of the time it is the simple things that really show you that people care.

Thanks in part to all of those dating questions from the free question text, I have been thinking a lot about my reasons/excuses for not dating. I always throw one or more of these out when someone asks me why I'm not dating. (1. I haven't been interested in anyone who has been interested in me. 2. I don't have time. 3. I'm scared of relationships. 4. I have a lot of issues in my life and I wouldn't wish dealing with them on anyone.) To be honest, it is mostly the third. I haven't had the best luck with dating in the past and I am scared to be that close to someone. The only one that I share everything with is God. I'd be afraid to open up enough to share it with a person and I'd feel like I was bugging them. I've never really had anyone that I could tell everything to before. I have not had the best examples in my life either. Most of the people I know do not seem to know how to have the kind of relationships I value. Too many people are concerned about what they get out of a relationship or just having one and not the person they are in the relationship with, which is what it should be about at least in my opinion.

I have developed an interesting mix of trusting and not trusting lately. I'm inclined to trust people completely until they let me down, but then again, I don't seem to trust people completely in some ways. I don't think I will ever trust my parents completely again after what happened in December. I love them and they will always be an unavoidable part of my life, but there is definitely a barrier there that can't be broken and is built up more by how often they demonstrate how little they really know me.

I'm starting to realize I am far more emotional than I have ever let on to those around me. It is pretty obvious in many ways...the looks on my face as I'm reading a text for example, but I'm still pretty good at hiding it when I want to do so. I don't really like that I'm so emotional, but mostly because it is out of my control and doesn't feel as safe. Sometimes there is just nothing you can do except go along with it and hope it ends well. It's in God's hands and those are definitely the ones I would want to have the reins.

Well, this is a random collection of thoughts in an disorganized mess that I don't want to even think about someone reading, but whatever...here it is.