still shy?

I had intended to ramble on for a bit after church on Sunday night, but I ended up hanging out with friends at Desert Edge, so that didn't happen. This might end up being quite random since I waited so long and probably forgot a great deal of what I was going to say, but here goes.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Not that this is anything new and unusual. I have realized that while I may be nowhere near as shy as I used to be, I'm still pretty shy. I have a LOT to work on in that regard and many others. With the stress and craziness of the end of the semester, start of the holiday season, and other stuff going on in life, I have realized that I am as bad as I always have been about basically acting like everything is fine and not leaning on anyone. I will admit that I'm struggling or stressed now, but I still push through it with God and myself and not let anyone know exactly how much I'm going through. I have a lot of friends, but I still have a hard time feeling like I can talk to them about life on a deeper level. I feel like I'm imposing and I just don't feel like there is anyone that I can really lean on.

Although, a great deal of that is probably simply because I am afraid to do so. I know God will always be here for me, but people will always hurt you or let you down in some way, which makes them harder to...trust I guess...and you don't know what people truly think or feel about you. (Which can drive me crazy because I'm so curious...and a little insecure.) The past affects the present in so many ways, but it is hard to talk about the past because there is so much of it and it is difficult to handle people's reactions to it. What makes it worse in some ways is how easily attached to people I am even though I doubt I show it very well since I'm rather reserved.

When I was filing some stuff a while ago, I found a handout about my birthday from the philosophy class I took my senior year in high school. I love things like this and astrology because they make you think about yourself. One part in particular that I noticed said, "This more obstinate and rebellious side of your personality is in contrast to an unexpectedly sensitive and compassionate element of your being. As you like to be in control, you may rarely show this side of yourself to others." This kind of relates to what I said above and I'm afraid it is far too true. Once I'm sure I can trust people to take me as I am and not take things I say or do the wrong way, I'll completely be myself, but with ones I am not particularly sure of yet, I still have walls up in a sense. There are a lot of people in my life that I would like to get to know better, but I don't really know how...and I don't know how I would have the time to do so either.

Anyway, I think I've rambled enough...and said too much, which will be read by I don't want to know how many people. o.O