School is over and started again. I got another 4.0, which is not as exciting as it should be, but I am proud of myself for managing it even with all the chaos that happened last semester between work, Macbeth and life being life. I only have two classes this summer, but I am not as motivated as I should be...some of my homework is sitting next to me while I do this instead. I think part of it is just the expectation of fun and a break that comes with summer, but to quote a coworker I am just "a glutton for punishment." ;) I am enjoying my American Religions: Faith and Film class even though I am not particularly fond of the teacher. My discussion group leader is a guy who was in one of my classes last semester, which is great because that means I feel comfortable enough to actually talk. It feels a little weird to be in a discussion group rather than leading one, but I am enjoying the renewed perspective on what being on the leading end is like. I think my favorite part about the class is getting introduced to so many fascinating movies that relate to religion and getting to discuss them. I have been slacking off way too much with my online class, but I have loved the readings that I have done so far. The problem with this seems to be the lectures. I have them on my iPod, but it is a lot harder for me to make myself sit down and listen to a lecture than to sit down and read.
I have already started plowing through my summer reading list, which I am enjoying immensely. It feels absolutely amazing to be able to make time to read what I want to read. I hadn't realized exactly how much I missed having my nose in a book during every moment that I can find. It is also great to go through all of the books that I've been collecting that I really want to read. My list includes Mere Christianity, Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived, Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide, as much of the Xanth Series as I can stomach, and a lot of others. Now if I can only be as good about reading my homework....
It is kind of funny that I have not been writing on here lately because I have been thinking far too much about a lot of things and it always helps to write through things. There is just too much in my life that I want to change, but then I am too ambivalent about it as well. Now that I have more time on my hands, I am kind of going crazy since I am used to being so busy. I am also realizing that a lot of my friends are not here to hang out with and ones that are here usually do not seem to want to hang out with me. I may just be too sensitive about it...I don't know. On one hand, I really want to make more of an effort to hang out with some of the people that I really care about, but I am afraid of being rejected because they don't want to do things with me. It is especially hard if I have suggested things before and they just never happened. Between that and being shy, which makes it hard to know how to ask and afraid to let people know just how much I care about them, it is a little difficult. I kind of hate that I am still so shy and insecure about things. I have come a long way since high school, but I am still not where I would like to be.
No matter how far away from the past you think you are, it is always there and sometimes I feel like I can never be completely over everything. I know that all of the struggles that I have been through have made me stronger, but sometimes I really wish that I was not as strong as I am. I am too self-reliant, which is not really a good thing. It is great that I can handle what life has for me, but when I have a problem, God is who I turn to and not anyone else. This is very good, but at the same time I need people and to feel like I have people that I can trust to listen to me. When you combine strength with stubbornness and sensitivity, it just seems to be kind of a disaster. I am far too sensitive about things, which can be good because I appreciate little things, but can be bad as well. If I am hurt by something, I am too stubborn and strong to show it.
Haha and now that I am hoping that hardly anyone reads this...um.... I spent a ridiculous amount of time looking up quotes today because I had something that I wanted to express, but was too lazy to write myself. Unfortunately, I could not find what I wanted, so I was stuck trying to do it anyway. "Love is cherishing every moment that you share and appreciating them for every beautiful imperfection with no expectation of anything else." I don't think it quite captures everything that I was thinking, but I guess it is close enough. I guess it kind of stems from my attempt to understand everything, which is just not possible. I always seem to waver back and forth between accepting the fact that I will never understand anything completely, even myself. Whenever I get close, something always comes up that throws me out of my comfort zone again. Thanks God. <3 Some things in particular really bug me because they show me how little control I have over things, which I feel like I should have control over, which I really should work on more. Sometimes it thoroughly disgusts me that I have so much self-control. Learning to let go and just trust is not the easiest thing.
On a completely unrelated note, (Yes, I am a Gemini. ;) ) I'm managing to work only approximately twenty hours a week. While being more relaxing than my usual barely under forty route, it contributes to my restlessness because I don't have anything to do. Renate was not my first choice for our new receptionist, but I am really enjoying the opportunity to work with her. She is doing amazingly well considering all of the crazy stuff that has already been thrown at her and she is a really nice woman. It is kind of amusing how much random stuff I hear through her that I shouldn't exactly be hearing since those who said it did not intend for me to here it. Everything is ridiculously busy right now because we are approaching the end of the fiscal year as well as our Freedom Festival and I am trying to reorganize a lot of things, but everything is going quite well considering how much I am juggling right now. The only thing that is uncomfortable for me at this point is all of the compliments that I have been getting lately. You would think that I would be used to it after almost three years there, but nope. I do appreciate it for the fact that this job is probably the only reason that I can manage to accept a compliment with some semblance of grace.
I should probably stop rambling and make some dinner, so night.
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